Before Your Love
by Jamie Sommers
Summary: Jamie's thoughts on her wedding day. Based on the Kelly Clarkson song Before Your Love


Before Your Love

By: Jamie Sommers

Email: jamiesommers23@hotmail.com

Rated: P/G

Synopsis: Songfic based on Kelly Clarkson's Before Your Love.  Jamie's thoughts on her wedding day.

Before Your Love

_I wonder how I ever made it thought a day_

_How did I settle for a world in shades of gray_

_When you go in circles all the scenery looks the same _

_And you don't know why_

_And I look into your eyes_

_Where the road stretched out in front of me _

_And I realized_

God had been there for me throughout my life as well as my father and I tried not to question the choices that either one of them made for me in my lifetime.  I was always happy with the little things.  Singing in the choir was the highlight of my week.  Singing His praises brought more joy to me than anything ever did… until you.

_I never lived before your love_

_I never felt before your touch_

_I never needed anyone to make me feel alive_

_But then again I wasn't really living_

_I never lived before your love_

When I got diagnosed with leukemia I went through a various amount of stages.  Anger, confusion, acceptance, and that's when I made my list.  I looked at what I had done in my life and realized that there was still so much left for me to do.  So many things that I yet to accomplish, but I was determined to do more with my life than jut the basics.  I had to live a lifetime's worth in jus a few short years.  I thought about what really mattered to me, and what didn't.  My list started with the basic thing every young girl wants.  To marry in the church where my parents got married.  When I wrote that down I remembered thinking at the time, 'I hope I get the opportunity to fall in love like my mom and dad did'.  I think I was more in love with the idea of being in love than anything else.  My list continued with silly things that I had always wanted to do and serious things that I had ho9ped I could do.  To make a medical discovery…to cure leukemia.  It was never written down, but it's what I meant.  I wanted to hit a homerun, to visit the Sistine chapel, to watch the sunset over the water, to own my own home, to befriend someone I didn't like, to experience my first kiss, to get a tattoo, to witness a miracle.

_I wanted more than just an ordinary life_

_All of my dreams seemed like castles in the sky_

_I stand before you and my heart is in your hands _

_And I don't know how_

_I survived without your kiss_

_Cause you're giving me a reason to exist_

When you entered my life I had never expected what I got.  I never knew it could be that god.  I remember your kiss, our first kiss.  I opened my eyes and I swear I could feel the moon's beams caressing my skin.  The hairs on the back of my neck stood up when you brushed your lips against my forehead and when you said those words, "I love you," I thought at that very moment, that nothing on my list mattered anymore.  Those words coming from you had been my number one and I didn't even know it.  To explain what you did for me in that moment would be close to impossible.  I can't even explain it to myself.  I felt so many things in that moment, but mostly I felt frightened. How could God do this to me?  How could He show me this kind of love knowing that I'll never be able to fully explore it?  That I'd never be able to allow you to love me the way you'd want to, the way I'd want you to.  I was certain that this new love would bring us nothing but heartache. Oh how wrong I was.

_I never lived before your love_

_I never felt before your touch_

_I never needed anyone to make me feel alive_

_But then again I wasn't really living_

_I never lived before your love_

_ I never lived before your love_

I found myself waking up that very next day, feeling the warmth of the sun against my face, before my alarm clock rang.  I felt alive that day.  Rejuvenated in a way that I had never known to be possible.  Suddenly I had a purpose.  Suddenly I wanted to rejoice.  He loves me.  HE LOVES ME!!  My shower that day left me feeling a little more refreshed.  Breakfast tasted better.  Morning chores didn't seem so tedious.  I felt an anxiousness deep within me as the clocked ticked, bringing you closer to me.  Less than twelve hours ago I was sure that your profession of love was nothing but a big mistake, and now I pray that you say it again.   That you show me again, with your soft kiss, your gentle touch, and your warm smile.  When you arrived that morning you took my hand and when your fingers threaded through mine I felt as though you were an extension of me.

_And I don't know why_

_Why the sun decides to shine_

_That you breathe your love into me just in time_

Did you know how close I was to letting this disease take over my being?  With one kiss you brought me back to life.

_I never lived before your love_

_I never felt before your touch _

_I never needed anyone to make me feel alive _

_But then again I wasn't really living_

_I never lived before your love_

_I never lived before your love_

Standing before you today I know now that it doesn't matter how long my life is, all that matters is what I experience in that time.  I've' lived a wonderful life.  My list isn't even half checked off, there's still so much out there that I have yet to accomplish, but I've achieved the impossible so none of those other things matter.  I found a love in the most unexpected of places.  I found it in you.  I found it in me.  I've taught children to read, I've helped the homeless, I've sung the Lord's praises and helped my father to preach His word.  I've tried to be the best person I could be and I was pretty sure I had accomplished this before you entered the picture.  How wrong I was.  You've made me a better person Landon.  You've made me tremble with desire with one simple touch, cower with fear from not being with you, smile during the toughest moments of my life, triumph when I was sure I would fail.  You've taught me about myself and that person I wanted to be, the person I thought I was and the person I've become.  I face the future knowing that this road ahead of us may be short, but it will be fulfilling.  The path in front of me is no longer paved with a certainty of death, but with hopes of an enchanting future and the knowledge of a perfect life.


End file.
